you know? I have these crazy thoughts
and one of them was to let you know
that I have them or been having them
for a couple years or decades
I've been dealing with them
thinking them, watching them
and having them as they have me
and you know? it's kind of funny
cause only the thought of letting one go out
causes a swarm of crazy thoughts to fly above my head
and start making nests of what you would say or I would say
are crazy thoughts... and one of them was to let you know, you know?
that I've been having these crazy, uncontrollable, compulsive,
obsessive, anxious, depressed, impulsive, maniac thoughts that only I
should know about
because the thought of transfierring them to
someone who doesn't know how to treat them right sends shivers down my
spine, cause they're hard to handle, you know? and you know that if you
asked I could open the Pandora's box but, what good would it make to the
world?
I constantly talk about these crazy thoughts but never
reveal any of them because even the thought of someone thinking them
besides me is something that terrrifies me so much that I'd rather think
the crazy thoughts and let them drive me crazy than to let them do the
same to someone else,
'cause, you know, if I'm writing this and
talking about these thoughts while I'm having them I think (and this is
really a crazy thought) that I came to know how to handle them alone:
when they come to me I just play dead since the dead can't be crazy or
sane, you know? but it ain't funny to be a non-living thing and not
having feelings so I get the crazy thought that I should let the crazy
thoughts drive me for a little bit, since they're so much more intense
and deep than the regular thoughts could be, and you know, since they're
seductive and autodestructive and sedative and hypnotic they keep
themselves as a secret only letting me introduce them in a general way
to the general public even though they hide behind the words that
classify them as crazy thoughts instead of hard thoughts to think or any
euphemism that you want, but they're still there and I still have them
and I write because I don't want them to have me
I say to myself that if they can hide behind words I can do the same
and God knows I do it, you know?
